Mood:  happy

I'm in an unfailing good mood despite 4 assesments this week, one of which was an internal and worth credits- I think bra shopping today definitely has something to do with that, though >> Seriously, I got the cutest bra- white with purple and cyan stripes OMGLUV <33 And only 25 bucks! Amber got this adorable lacey pink one with a bow in the middle b/c Craig's coming over this weekend and her mum's out of town :P She was getting a bit down b/c we weren't finding anything that fit her properly, but while she was in the changing rooms I wizzed round the shop, picked one off the rack- and it was perfect! I'm so awesome ;P

 And ooh, she gave me the cuteeest Easter present, hey :3 This bright GREEN hippopotumus that squeaks when you squeeze him. My favourite bit about him is his little nostrals- they actually sit /on/ his snout :D I'll put a pic here if I have time. Yes, I named him Humphrey :P 

We got off school early today and I have a small holiday until tuesday- omg I SO need it, though D: I get really burnt out coming home every day and spending 2 hours or more doing school stuff. Not that half of it even helps me like, today we had an  algebra maths and I'm really not sure I did too well on it aye. Anyway, I'm really looking foward to just laxing out and spending tonnes of time with Amber and a bunch of our other friends this weekend so it should be sweet ^^

I really hope Nessa starts having a better time though... she basically broke down over txt message and told me the whole story about her friend that went missing.... it's pretty big xX I am really delighted that she'd trust me enough to let me cuddle her and tell her that things are gonna get better, but at the same time amazed at how truly skrewed up she is. At least I know she's not incapable of learning healthy ways to think about herself... I got her to stop apologising for telling me her problems, too- so maybe with a bit of love she'll end up pretty okay. Maybe. 

So anyway, my plans for the easter weekend: Tommorrow I'm gonna help Amber take pictures for her photography assigment (I'm her subject, hehe), so we're going to a little beach-type place called Rat Island. Don't worry- there aren't real rats there... I think xX Maybe I should take some sort of... swatting thing with me, just to be safe >> ANYWHAY we thought we'd make it into a sort of picnic-lunch-muck-around day so I'm bringing sandwhiches and cordial and she's bringing plates and stuff and it should be really fun :D

Saturday working 9-4. I stole rachel's shift again, heh. I'm such a bully and I feel bad, but I honestly can't live on 4 hours a week :/ And once I get some better work she'll have saturdays to herself again and I can leave her alone but, ugh. I still don't like it xx.

Sunday church, wheee! :D And then I'll proabbly have a laaazy day and spend altogether too much time online... Sounds wunderfuuull :P 

Monday back at work- with time and a half to boot :D I want to get Craig (boss, not amber's bf x3) a present because every time there's a present-giving occasion I ask him what he got and he's all. "Nothing." Poor guy's only like, 36 and he has no friends xD So yeah, Easter I want to give him something, just because not agetting any presents/chocolate would be too awful, and if it were ME at 36 and /I/ had no friends, I'd still want chocolate and presents :P

Tuesday I'm going shopping (AGAIN, I know x3) for a- wait for it- DRESS -gaspdie-. Yes, Marisa is willingly embracing the idea of wearing a dress. I need serious councelling, I know, but in the mean time IMMA BUY A DRESS 83. Actually, I decided that when I got to goal weight I'd buy myself a really really nice dress- one that could be casual or formal and basically makes me feel hawt. Oh, and we're also helping Jemma go job-hunting, hehe. I really hope she ends up working somewhere cool with awesome staff discounts, hey. Not so I can abuse them. Or anything. >> 

Er, so yes, that's about it as far as my life goes right now. Hopefully it won't be a month before my next post this time x3 

Posted by yulls at 2:00 AM EDT

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Mood:  lazy

Wow, I really haven't posted here in a while! I've just been soso crazy busy that I really haven't been able to. Today though... I'm in that kind of mood where I just need to get some things down on paper... get them away from my mind before they drive me insane. I know they'll just buzz around and around if I don't. I've had a pretty good weekend, by most accounts- fuck, the /week/'s been pretty good by most accounts- but I read something tonight that has me so confused and a little lost... and I don't have anyone I can ask for advice because these questions that need anwsering... I'm the only one that can answer them for myself, unfortunately. But anyway, I'll get to that xD 

Saturday I got invited out to dinner by Bekkah- which was incredibly sweet and really made me happy! ^-^ I'd told her on friday that I really felt like going out on the weekend but everyone was busy, so I guess that must've inspired her to txt me and ask me to come to dinner with them! ^^.... or she could've just been bored and needed someone to keep her company XD (Well no, that isn't true >> She had lots of other friends there hehe :P). So I joined onto their little group and realised too late that I was waaay underdressed, but ohwell x3 I felt a little bit awkward since I wasn't sure if Bekkah had asked the rest of the group if they minded if I came out with them... and I didn't want to be a third wheel :/ I actually knew most of them, and I am a little worried about what they think of me.... but I /know/ this is just primary school coming back to fuck with me, and I am trying to let it go but... god it's so hard! I WISH I could just tell myself exactly what to feel, and I'd feel it. Often I know what I should be feeling... but what I'm actually feeling is something completely different XX' But nah, the night was nice- and we did actually have some pretty good laughs, plus dessert was DELISH <33

 After that me and mum watched a movie- the notebook... and yeah, it was pretty nice. I dunno though, I guess I'm learning that you can't build a mother-daughter relationship in 3 days of bonding time... especially when I gave up actually wanting to tell her about my life when she stopped having time to listen. And now I'm at this stage where I don't WANT her to know anything about who I am... I WANT to be mysterious and... I dunno. Is this me trying to make her feel more guilty for not being my mum? -sigh- I think there's something wrong if /I/ don't even know what's going on in my head XD

Saturday I had work.. that wasn't too bad- me and louise had fun jumping on the cardboard boxes so we could fit more in- but then shrieking when big fat cockroaches ran out of them D: 

Sunday, today, was gooollllrrriiously lazy. I got to spend /oddles/ of time online, slept for 8 hours.... brilliant ^-^ I went to church for the first time in two weeks, and fuck I so needed it. I recieved Eucharist for the first time in 5 (or is it 4? It's been too long, anyhow D: ) years, and decided to work up the courage to go to confession a bit later on. I mean, I really feel like a fish out of water when it comes to church- I've forgotten so many of the practices... a lot of the bible stories- even the prayers I've been repeating since 5 years old were a bit fudgy in the beginning, ffs. That makes me really sad... but worse it makes me shy to do some of the things I should be doing, like confession, in case I skrew it up. :/ 

Later on I read gwennie's LJ... it made me think a little bit because a lot of the things she wrote about on there she never told me... and now I'm all insecure about how she sees me as a friend. Again. For goodness' sake. XX' But the main worry- I read a bit about her religion... and the fact that I trust her, and respect her opinion, makes it really hard for me to ignore how passionate she is that chanting and 'asking' for things seems to get her just about everything she wants. I'm so confused D: . She wouldn't make up things that happen.... but then if she /is/ right, then why doesn't it work that way with God? Why do buddists get everything they could ever desire /given/ to them with no work, but catholics don't? I think... I think I'll try praying. Verbally talking to God. I haven't done that in a while... but I also can remember when I lost my first real best friend... I remember crying, and screaming, and begging that God bring her back to me... but she didn't come.

 Although in the end, if she had come, I might not have become so close with amber... since it was telling her about how things were at home that really started us being uber close... and if I was still tight with Katelyn I probably wouldn't have walked home with Amber... and we wouldn't have been friends. I guess I just need to have faith that God's plan will work out for me eventually... it's just hard when it appears that I can just ask for anything I want and I'll get it (if I were buddist) D: It's odd how something small can change your perspective on life like this- before today I was convinced that Bekkah inviting me out was God hearing my lonliness and calling back... but what if it's becuase I said that I wanted to go out on the weekend aloud?

For now, my soul, heart and mind is with God. And I suspect it always will be... some of their beleifs are just too crazy for me to buy into... but then, asking for anything and getting it sounds ludicrous too... but I think, the one thing about Buddhism that will never appeal to me: They have no forgiveness. 

And God knows I've had my share from Him. 

Posted by yulls at 4:41 AM EDT

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Mood:  chatty

So today started when I woke up at 6.30 am, pouring with sweat (gross, right?). I can't remember what I was dreaming about but that's just fine by me. Unfortunately, being that I'd only got to sleep 5 and a half hours earlier, I was nowhere near ready to start the day and spent the next five hours going and back and forth between my bed and other activities. I was just headed for the shower in a meek attempt to shake myself awake, when Sam texted me saying she was in town and 'can I leave my stuff at your place plz plz plz??'

Me: Not unless you wanna see me nakie samantha dearest. txt you when I'm human heh. 

Turned out she'd gotten another set of holes in her ears. To be honest I didn't really give a shit but I went through the motions of being her friend, made conversation (when I could- but god she wouldn't just shuttup for two seconds so there wasn't much of that). I was happy to see that she was holding Ryan's hand though- after dating for almost a month, that has to be the most contact they've ever had. And I'm not joking. It's a case of them both being shockingly frigid- but honestly, if she's that shy around him that she can't show affection I do have to wonder if the relationship is really going anywhere. But ah well. Her issue.

Speaking of relationships Amber came to me for advice as to whether she should tell Milson her feelings for him. Now just to elaborate on the situation- Amber is 16, lonely and horney. Milson is 28. She likes milson 'that way'.  Murgh D: I think she knows nothing can ever happen- I mean, 12 years is a huge age gap, especially when you're 16 and pretty. If they got together... people would ask questions y'know? And even though she says he doesn't act like 28... the fact is they'd be explaining themselves and facing judgement for the rest of their lives. I told her to wait a bit to a) see if her feelings got stronger and b) make sure he felt the same before bearing her soul. She said thanks for the adivce and told him anyway, heh. His reaction was that the age problem was just too big and he thinks they should just stay good friends. It could have gone worse imo. Aparently she feels a lot better for telling him, so I guess she made the right decision by her. I just hope they do actually stay good friends and don't end up sleeping together or anything. Sigh. That girl's gonna give me wrinkles at 16.

So after Sam left town Vanessa found me so we hung out for a while. She's so much more chatty and loud and interesting than I remember her- but then I still found myself monitoring what I said and implied. Ever since I found out she's bitter about me sort of... 'leaving her' for Amber, I've been really careful about what I say... and I'm always terrified I'll accidently mention her 'thing' and she'll close up on me or run away and hide. She doesn't like being at home so much at the moment, so we saw I am Legend which got out at 6. Probably not as late as she'd have liked but I didn't want it to get awkward and, to be prefectly honest, I was sulking the slightest little bit about the fact that my lazy day had dissappeared. I wasn't too upset though- today was pretty fun.

FINALY I made it back to my bed and back to my computer at 6.30, feeling really guilty and quite prepared to be yelled at by gwennie. We had planned to have our lazy days together (i.e today) since when I saw her these last two nights I got the message across that I wasn't at all happy about her sudden dissappearance. I can be a bit of a bully when it comes to spending time with buddies, heh. Anyway, I got online only to find that I'd just missed her- according to neo she'd been online since 10am and had just left. Drat.

I still haven't seen her- only she was just bumping her wajas boards but wasn't on AIM so... how am I supposed to take that? I considered messaging her but... idk. I don't want to be one of those clingy annoying people who don't know when to give you space y'know? And who knows why she didn't sign into AIM... maybe she's playing WoW with Ben or... watching TV or something and doesn't want to talk to anyone? I don't know. But the fact remains that I still feel horribly guilty for deserting her today (even though she's done it to me in the past, and RL DOES come first) and not being able to explain why doesn't make me feel any better. Hopefully I'll sleep it off because the way she's been lately.. I doubt if I'll see her before thursday- maybe even friday, and I'll be fucked if I let it ruin the rest of my week.

I dunno. I just feel like things are kind of fragile between us atm. I don't wanna rock the boat y'know? Sigh. 

Posted by yulls at 5:37 AM EST

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Mood:  don't ask

I was woken up today by my sister as she got up for work- 7.30 am. Groan. I went to get breakfast but I was feeling really.... I'm not sure exactly but it was some mixture of lethargy and boredom that I didn't shake for the rest of the day. I just couldn't seem to find the energy or enthusiasm to be excited or happy or upbeat about anything. I mean, sure I tried; I smiled, talked a bit, laughed at louise and rachel's jokes but... god I was bored. I'm discovering that Rachel is sort of Craig's 'pet'- I walked into work to find them chatting away like two fucking school girls. I don't hold it against the girl though; she's sweet and really likeable.

Didn't get a chance to ask about hours today since Craig was leaving just as I came in but he gave me my new contract... I'll need to talk to him about my hours before I sign that since I'd hate to had in my two weeks notice less than a month after renewing my employment. The excitement of the day came when a bunch of guys down the back started stuffing around with the toys. Louise got really serious and stern- a 'mum' voice if I ever heard one. Shit I hope I never have to be at the end of that! Basically she told them to get out and banned them from the shop- but as they were heading past me to the door they went to piss around with the walking sticks and some big guy that had just bought a couple lighters grabbed one around the NECK and yelled at him to behave before shoving him towards the door. Louise was just standing there, an utter look of horror and anger and some small hint of helplessness written all over her face.

Now that I think back on it I wonder about that small part of her that felt helpless- wanting someone strong and able to take control of the situation and make everything alright. Maybe it's not just me that wishes for love and hugs and strength from another person? I know she has a long-term partener though... I just assumed these feelings went away after you found that someone y'know?

Maybe he's started drinking again. She said he went down that path and started getting rough with her... When she told me that I felt the sickest squeezing of my heart and could do nothing except nod. I just hope to god nothing showed on my face because... shit if someone guessed or I told them about my home... I'm just terrified that once one person finds out, I'll become addicted to people's sympathy. 

Saw gwennie online today but... I think I'd feel better if I hadn't seen her at all. I felt very distant, cold, defensive, and... just really hurt when I was IMing her. For whatever fucked up reason that was, I have no clue. She said something was really wrong... that she was stressed and that she didn't want to talk about it. 'Discussed out'. I think that really drove the knife... I mean, how am I supposed to feel about the fact that she doesn't trust me or want to tell me when things have gone badly in her life? And worse- that she'd prefer to tell other people for whatever reasons. Even with her brother she couldn't tell me until she was telling bethers... Sigh. For some reason my friendship with her has been really hurtful. She just makes me really insecure about how much she values me as a friend... but then when we're both happy... man, our conversations send me on a big floaty cloud where everything can be made into a joke or sign of affection- her sense of humour is what really draws me to her, y'know?

Saw snazz too- but the conversation was pretty much just 'Hi' and 'bye'. Aparently I caught her just as she was leaving. I was happy to see she'd replied to my message on wajas first though, so hopefully I can keep some contact with her that way. I dunno... I don't seem to mind that she's suddenly dropped away from her computer. It hurts less than the first time she went on hiatus, that's for sure... but then again, for some reason I just haven't been finding her as interesting to talk to since exams- and despite me asking many many times, she insists everything's fine apart from some drama between her and her mum. I guess the most worrying thing about Snazz is that I don't hear anything about her life in the real world. And I mean absolutely nothing. I think she'd trust me enough to tell me if something was really stressing her... but maybe it hasn't occurred to her that she can lean on me when things get her down. I sure as heck lean on her. And in that sense I guess I can kind of see why gwennie doesn't feel so comfortable telling me her problems. I mean, I'd prefer to go crawling to snazz for comfort over gwennie... but then gwennie gives better advice and puts things into perspective- which is something I really need when I'm hysterical.

God this post became really long! I think I have a new obssession, heh. 

Posted by yulls at 5:37 AM EST

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Mood:  cool

The day started with the discovery of a pimple on the back of my neck this morning. At least, I think it was a pimple... I could have been a mozzie bite but for obvious reasons I couldn't be sure. Which brings me to my first problem of the day... how exactly is one supposed to squeeze a pimple located on the back of one's neck? Blind poking? Double mirrors? I shall have to think on this.

The rest of today was pretty chill. Rolled on up to Ambers place after some drama with my mother about what bus I was catching, where I would get off, whether some mob would mug me, whether aliens would dissect me for my organs... I'm sure you understand how mothers can be. We had a pretty good day, watched open season which was actually fucking hilarious. Who said cartoons were for little people? Seriously, it rocked. We chatted for a bit then put in a couple more movies... takled about klaire, school, boys (heh), travelling, work. Just general stuff.

I think we've almost decided we're going travelling around Europe for a year after we leave school together, which I think I will really enjoy- but at this point I'm not sure whether it'll work.... we just have different tastes in what we see as 'fun'. She's never happier than when she's throwing herself off a brige somewhere, but I'm more into night clubs and road trips and sleeping in a shitty hotel because we didn't plan properly. That kinda thing is an adventure for me y'know?

It's no good dreaming though, because unless I get more hours at the $2 shop or find a job that is gonna give me more hours there's no way I could afford to travel after school. I've resolved to ask craig for more hours at work because once I go back to school I'll only be earning 40 a week... and that is shit all, even for a poor student. If I can't get the hours... then I'm just gonna have to start job hunting again. The thought of that makes me really sad, though... I've become so attatched to all the people at that little shop - they're al so happy and friendly and fun, despite the shit going on in the other areas of their life. I really hope I can pick up that quality.

Didn't see Snazz or gwennie online tonight either... but it's getting easier to not miss them, I'm finding. I used to feel so alone if I didn't have gwennie in my right ear and snazz in my left but... I guess I'm getting used to the silence. I hope it's not weird when they come back though... what if I forget how to talk to them? If they come back. If. 

Posted by yulls at 4:47 AM EST

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Mood:  chillin'

Wow, second post in one day- this is really addictive! I'm not sure what that last entry was about; after I clicked submit I really did feel a tonne better... I guess it was just a passing thing... shit it really sucked though! It better not happen too often. So here I am, all by meself at home. I should probably turn the tv on to break the silence but I think I feel like solitude right now. Jeez what a mood swing, huh?

I think I mentioned that exam results came today... they're not perfect by any means but I can safely say I worked my ass off for every E and M on that peice of paper. Mum asked me if I was happy with them... not in an accusing way or anything, but I still got the feeling she was a little dissapointed. I did get a few As- some of them weren't expected which was kind of a kick in the gut. Then Mum told me I had to ring my Aunt and tell her what I got- but shit that wasn't taken by me very well. But really, this lady who I don't know all that well... how is it any of her business what came of my two weeks in hell? I mean, I knew her and Mum had become closer after my nana passed away but I didn't realise they were so chummy. Anyway, I'm waiting on country statistics now, in the hopes it will rectify a few of those As.... fingers crossed.

Klaire came home from Denmark on the 10th too- but I only found out she was back in NZ today through Amber. Thanks for telling me bitch. That slut is gonna get HIV or pregnent- or both! And we're gonna be the ones who get to piece her back together. I honestly have no idea why she keeps hurting herself by sleeping with guys she barely knows, who don't like her back, who aren't intending to have a serious relationship with her... I don't know. Maybe she's bored or just super horney but either way she needs to stop.

This week she slept with a guy to 'save her rep'. Aparently he threatened to tell everyone she's fridgid if she didn't. Now that's some blackmail right there. And who is 'everyone' anyway?! We go to a fucking all girls school for crying out loud! Shoot me if I'm wrong but I doubt if they're gonna care how frigid she is. Sheesh. Honestly, I can feel a huge headache coming on with this girl, and I only hope something really bad doesn't have to happen for her to see why me and Amber nagg at her so much. 

Watching a load of movies with Amber tommorrow- that should be fun. I finally get to see the legendary 'Open Season'- the silly girl is crazy about it. I hope she's not too distracted by Klaire, though... I mean, sure, I love being strong for her when she's down, but it's just more fun if we're both happy and completely there. Eeep it's 10.30! I should head to bed... no sign of gwennie... or snazz... 

Posted by yulls at 4:28 AM EST

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Mood:  hug me

Today has been.... god I don't know. I did normal things; got up, breakfast, went shopping, bought things I needed at home, had lunch, came online... got my exam results (not too bad)... but I don't know. Right now I feel really.. alone in the world. It hurts. The weird thing is though... there is absolutely no reason for me to feel like this. I have a nice home, some amazing friends, things to do but. I don't know.

I just feel like crawling into some small, tight space and hide from the world - but at the same time I want someone, anyone, to hold me tight and tell me I'm loved.  I want to be excited about life and living again but it's so hard. And then I keep thinking about things I promised myself I'd try to forget...

 After I had that fight with gwennie a lot of things I'd buried really came back to the surface for me. Every night for about a week after I'd have these awful violent dreams that left me feeling empty and more alone. I often wonder whether other people have days like these... but it's not exactly the kind of thing you can just drop into a conversation.

And on top of that I haven't seen either of my beloved online friends Snazz and gwennie for almost a week now. Even though gwennie was just online- she wasn't really there. I'm scared they're going to come back and I won't care about them anymore. But worse- what if they dissapear forever and leave me even more alone? Chatting to them - these strangers who I've never seen or met - has become such a big part of me that I can't imagine my life without them

Posted by yulls at 1:10 AM EST

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